So, a while ago I got myself into a jam and by into a jam I mean every time I got pulled over in my car, I got arrested like I was some fuckin’ black dude who murdered a cop ’cause they’d send ten units over to pick up one guy for “warrants.” Apparently, when you don’t pay your parking and traffic offenses and don’t appear in court ’cause you’re too busy tryin’ to work to actually make the money to pay your shit off, they issue warrants so they can throw you in jail and pay for your stay there. I spent some time in a local jail where I grew up and I realized I lived better there than I did at home… Dude brought my McDonalds every day that weekend ’cause apparently my type of warrants didn’t allow for bail and my shitty luck ensures I always get fucked on Fridays…
Anyway, I got out of that situation by begging for money. Then my car fuckin’ fell apart ’cause it hadn’t been used in over two years. So I begged for money to get a new truck. Then Christmas came, I spent all my money on an engagement ring, Christmas gifts, and now first and last for a new apartment. Then of course last weekend my truck got towed and I had to pay for that, too. It’s like the hits just keep comin’ and God wants to remind me that no matter how safe I think I am or how even I toe the line, he’s always going to push me over ’cause he hates me like he hates everyone else.
Pretty soon I’m gonna be beggin’ for change like those assholes I pass and rent on a daily basis ’cause when I have to work to make my money, they just have to look like shit. I can professionally look like shit, too, but I choose to help myself unlike those bum fucks.
Anyway, here are my LifeLinks of the broke and nearly homeless ’cause if one more bad thing happens I might just kill myself…
Nicole McLean Got Some Holiday Cleavage ‘Cause I Wish Christmas Was Actually Like This… [Hollywood Tuna]
Heidi Montag’s Titty Christmas Kiss of the Day ‘Cause Everyone Like Christmas Titty… [Drunken Stepfather]
Jodie Marsh Got Some Birthday Cleavage ‘Cause This is How You Party… [D-Listed]
Lily Allen Got Some Post-Abortion Beach Titty ‘Cause She Likes Publicity… [WWTDD]
Hillary Duff Got Some Maxim Outtakes ‘Cause I Liked Her Better When She Wasn’t Legal… [On 205th]
Jessica Biel Got a Christmas Elf Video ‘Cause They Fuckin’ Give Me the Creeps… [Just Jared]
Lily Allen Got Some Fashion Ass-Cheek ‘Cause She’s on a Roll… [Taxi Driver Movie]
Danielle Lloyd Got Some Christmas Spirit ‘Cause It’s the Kinda Spirit I Like that Doesn’t Get Me Drunk [The Superficial]
Lance Armstrong’s Got a Confirmed Working Testiscle ‘Cause Uniball’s a Sperm Machine.. [Damn I'm Cute]
Some Dude Ran into The Hogans ‘Cause Brooke Got Nice Sandbags… [Im Not Obsessed]
Dolph Lungreen Got a Topless Wife ‘Cause Sharing is Caring… [IDLYITW]
Alicia Keys Got Some Hunger ‘Cause Nothin’ Turns me On Life a Good Face-Stuffing [Egotastic]
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Wed, Dec 24, 2008
LifeLinks of the Week